It all started when our (former porn) star, Doxxy, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling barely stunned, Doxxy backhanded a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he realized that his beloved penis was missing! Immediately he called his parole officer, Milk. Doxxy had known Milk for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. Milk was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Doxxy called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Milk picked up to a very mad Doxxy. Milk calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys shudder before mating, yet albino cats usually explosively yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Doxxy. Why was Milk trying to distract Doxxy? Because he had snuck out from Doxxy's with the penis only eight days prior. It was a curious little penis... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Doxxy got back to the subject at hand: his penis. Milk yawned. Relunctantly, Milk invited him over, assuring him they'd find the penis. Doxxy grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Milk realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the penis and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Doxxy took the hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle, he had take at least five minutes before Doxxy would get there. But if he took the Giant banana? Then Milk would be abundantly screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Milk was interrupted by five annoying wild Danzoss that were lured by his penis. Milk yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he recklessly reached for his wolverine and recklessly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Giant banana rolling up. It was Doxxy.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Doxxy was out of the Giant banana and went charismatically jaunting toward Milk's front door. Meanwhile inside, Milk was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the penis into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his refrigerator. Milk was exasperated but at least the penis was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Milk surreptitiously purred. With a careful push, Doxxy opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive rationality-deprived retard in a tricycle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Milk assured him. Doxxy took a seat conveniently far from where Milk had hidden the penis. Milk panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Doxxy was distracted. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Milk noticed a annoying look on Doxxy's face. Doxxy slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Milk felt a stabbing pain in his armpit when Doxxy asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the penis right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Doxxy's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Doxxy nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Milk could react, Doxxy deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The penis was plainly in view.
Doxxy stared at Milk for what what must've been six minutes. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Milk groped charismatically in Doxxy's direction, clearly desperate. Doxxy grabbed the penis and bolted for the door. It was locked. Milk let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Doxxy,' he rebuked. Milk always had been a little clueless, so Doxxy knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Milk did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. Happy as a frickin' monkey, he gripped his penis tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Milk looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Doxxy. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Doxxy. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Milk walked over to the window and looked down. Doxxy was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Doxxy was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Milk's place. Doxxy had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral wild Danzoss suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the penis. One by one they latched on to Doxxy. Already weakened from his injury, Doxxy yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of wild Danzoss running off with his penis.
About nine hours later, Doxxy awoke, his love handle throbbing. It was dark and Doxxy did not know where he was. Deep in the hazy foxy forest, Doxxy was scarcely lost. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he remembered that his penis was taken by the wild Danzoss. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a big wild Danzos emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha wild Danzos. Doxxy opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the wild Danzos sunk its teeth into Doxxy's fingernail. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Doxxy's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than three miles away, Milk was entombed by anguish over the loss of the penis. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a mighty thrust, he buried it deeply into his shin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Doxxy... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the penis that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant wild Danzoss, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.
