Salutations fellow believers and welcome to the Grand Cathedral where all the holdings of knowledge and information regarding the Chvrch of Beattie can be found
Author's Note: Hello, friends! My name is Robbie Beattie. I'm new to this whole fanfiction thing; but recently, I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to. My little ones have been asking to read the Steven Beattie books; and of course I'm happy for them to be reading; but I don't want them turning into DMBrandon! So I thought….. why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly? And then I thought, why not share this with all the other eSports enthusiasts who are facing the same problem? So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you! So, without further ado-
Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Steven Beattie who lived under the stairs in a house in Australia with his mom Helen Beattie surfingrocks and his dad Peanut Butter Farmer Spud Beattie VelocityX and his brother Robbie Beattie Tapion. He was a good, obedient boy really manly man who did all his chores; but he felt that there was something missing in his life. Something big and special; but he could not quite name it. He took angry naps (zz grr zz) every night; and wished for this special something; but then one day, there was a knock at his door- and everything changed.
"Answer the door, Steven Beattie!" his mom Helen Beattie surfingrocks, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Robbie Beattie Tapion nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, squirty shits loyalty in the oven.
Shouldn't you be doing that? Steven Beattie thought; but he was a very obedient young boy manly man, so he answered the door right away. He turned the brass, metal doorknob; and pulled open the heavy, wooden door.
On the porch was standing a huge, muscular New Zealander with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair. He wore a necklace that looked to Steven Beattie like a a lower-case T a pair of titties with a cross stamped on them. Just looking at Siggy Mopho made him feel happy, peaceful somehow; but he couldn't say why!
"Good morning, kiddo Hey bru" the man greeted amiably; and smiled at Steven Beattie. He had the peaceful, friendly sort of face you just knew you could trust. "My name is Siggy Mopho. Could I speak to your dad?"
"Peanut Butter Farmer Spud Beattie VelocityX is not in at the moment." Steven Beattie replied sadly; and looked at his raggedy, old shoes that were blue. Perhaps that was why he felt so lonely, he thought, not for the first time. Maybe that was what he was missing - different coloured shoes. But no, that was not quite right.
"You can speak with my mother Helen Beattie surfingrocks," Steven Beattie retorted politely; and blinked his big, blue, childlike really manly eyes.
"What do you want?" Helen Beattie surfingrocks peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit.
"Hello, neighbor! nice Englishman! I was wondering if you have been saved have a minute to talk about The Mother We Share™?," Siggy Mopho exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat standard issue Ginyu Force scouter.
Helen Beattie surfingrocks laughed farted a gravelly laugh fart; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots. "Saved? The Mother We Share™? Don't tell me you are you one of those... Christians Chvrchists?"
Steven Beattie did not know what that word meant; but Siggy Mopho’s smile was the most peaceful smile he had ever seen. It made Steven Beattie feel warm and happy inside just seeing the glowing, radiant grin on the kind, friendly stranger's face. He wondered why Helen Beattie surfingrocks and Peanut Butter Farmer Spud Beattie VelocityX did not smile like that…
"Yes, I am," Siggy Mopho replied kindly. "Are you?"
Helen Beattie surfingrocks laughed farted again; and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. "We are too smart indie for that. Haven't you read the links in hanz0’s signature ever spoken to vespesi3n? Dong Synthpop is dead! the links in hanz0's signature /mu/ proved that. Would you like us to educate you on the links in hanz0’s signature IDM?"
"What's a Christian Chvrchist?" Steven Beattie queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time.
"Christians Chvrchists are people who want to have a good," Siggy Mopho explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Steven Beattie. "We want to go to The Toriprime Board Salvation's Way after we die. Do you know what the Toriprime Board Salvation's Way is, Steven Beattie?"
Steven Beattie shook his head; and his eyes BECAME LARGE AND.
"The Toriprime Board Salvation's Way is a beautiful place where we can be with Dong Synthpop.."
Helen Beattie suringrocks smacked her hands over Steven Beattie's young chiselled and dry muscly ears; and her voice was silku smooth when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and salami and tomato sandwiches Neutral Milk Hotel. Haven't you heard of Evolution In An Aeroplane Over the Sea? I learnt everything I know from clicking hanz0’s signature that album. You should do that listen to it sometime”.
Siggy Mopho laughed wisely. "Evolution IDM is a myth, just like the Holocaust gravity. You don't really believe that, do you?"
"Yes, I do!" Helen Beattie surfingrocks screeched.
"Well then prove it!"
Helen Beattie surfingrocks could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open numbly grumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians Chvrchists prove what they believed in defend their taste in music; but she couldn't even prove her own religion defend her own. It was then that Steven Beattie knew who the smart one one here with shit taste was!
"Tell me how to get to this Toriprime Board Salvation's Way!" Steven Beattie cried wistfully, clasping his hands together. Sometimes, the wisdom of little ones manly men is really amazing. We think we grownups know it all; but then Synthpop speaks through the mouths of little ones Lauren Mayberry; and shows us how we are all mortals struggling along the path of life. Humility.
"All you have to do is be saved. Do you want to be saved?"
"I do, I do!" Steven Beattie squealed, jumping up and down.
"Then sing ‘Kiss from a Rose’ Hot N Cold by Seal! Katy Perry"
Helen Beattie surfingrocks tried to stop him; but she was powerless against Steven Beattie's pure, innocent, holy asshole (heh heh get it, “hole-y”). Soon, Steven Beattie had sung the song. Siggy Mopho beamed happily.
"You're a Christian Chvrchist now, Steven Beattie!" Siggy Mopho cried proudly.
THE END
...Steven Beattie went on to found the Chvrch of Beattie with his brother and the author of this text, Robbie Beattie
...Tapion was eventually converted and became famous for his home-baked loyalty
...surfingrocks still thinks that gravity is real
...VelocityX went on to take over The Chvrch, dedicating his life to the work his Son had started
...Siggy Mopho went on to play Monster Hunter 3 and drinks lots of beer. He later came 2nd in a Street Fighter tournament.
